I am...me.

I am me. There is nothing to it. I am free. I am strong. I am beautiful in my own way. I am me.

I want to be somebody, not a nobody. I want to see the world, see the dark corners of our twisted planet, see the beauty of an after storm sunset on a beach, walk through a field of wheat with the suns' strong rays beating down on my back. There is so much to me but so little as well. I want to be perfect, feel perfect, look perfect. I would cast away my life to fulfill the needs and wants of another. I would give, wholly, myself to a loved one. My heart would open to them in ways where I would not, could not, comprehend. I want to feel a lover's touch and relish the feel of being beautiful in their eyes, and their eyes alone. I am strong but I am weak. I know where I stand in my life but have no idea where my place is in the world. I am a puzzle piece; I fit so well into the image that society has provided the world but I distort it with my dreams and wants. I am not perfect but I try. I try so fucking hard.
An old chapter of my life is coming to a close end and the start of a brand new one is about to begin. I am afraid but giddy at the same time. I am someone who will never stop until they succeed. I am someone who will no longer let others bring her down. I am strong. I will show the world where I will stand.

I am me.

The stress of prom?... I think not.

Prom. The first time the word had graced my ears was when I was eight years old. Prom - it does sound very special, not elaborate nor elegant but it drew me in. Pictures of teenage girls dressed in beautiful gowns, hairstyles to die for; they all looked like princesses from a fairytale. I was excited for the year to where I would finally be able to dress so elegantly and have a night full of dreams come true. So when my senior rolled to a close end, prom was in the horizon. People find that it is stressful; the havocs of finding that perfect dress, going mad over a hairstyle, and lastly, finding that prom date. Well, for me, it was quite relaxing and enjoyable, hah. It took my one day to find my dress. I find it wonderful. To some, it may be plain and simple; but to me it is perfect, it is me. I was fortunate enough to be asked to prom. I really am excited, it will be the last time that all my classmates will be together. I know I will cry, although, I will make sure that they will be tears of joy and not of sadness.

At last, my heart grows warm with tenderness.

I had the belief that I would never be enough for someone. I went thorough most of my life in envy of other girls being able to find a significant other, while I tried and failed in many attempts. In my tries at love, my belief of not being enough grew with contempt and disappointment. Eventually, I gave up. I enjoyed the freedom of a single life; with all of it's privileges and space. I told myself that I would probably end up alone for the most part of my life, going unnoticed by the opposite sex. I was use to the idea, life was fine maybe not great but fine. I kept my guard up, keeping any form of hurt or disappointment coming my way. Until now. I let my guard down, and with that a rush of emotions took my breath away. I forgot the thrill of emotions one would get. It is very refreshing.

I like you.

Why is it hard to say those three simple words? I mean, there are no necessary "skills" in pronouncing out that phrase; it shouldn't be that hard. So, why is it for me. I think people will say that it would be my lack of confidence when it comes to the opposite sex and my awkwardness that follows. I think it, too but isn't that teenage life. To be awkward and shy; to be in love and to fall in love? To be scared but also be overjoyed?

Is it worth it?

There are days where I wake up and I ask myself: is everything I do and feel worth it?
Sometimes I would say 'yes' and other times I wouldn't know the answer. Is it because I'm depressed? or it's just the way my mind works. I say that I have no idea but deep down, I know that it could be both. I'm not the most happiest person alive, there are days where I would gladly sulk and say I hate this life and all of its bullshit. Then, there are those days where I feel happy with myself. I feel contented with what I do, with what I have accomplished. But there are days where I am genuinely happy but something goes off in my mind that triggers that little sadness in me; and I am unbearable to be around. I was told that is how my mind works, that I will always be mildly depressed. I have learned to live with that fact but I still wake up thinking asking if everything is worth it.
I like to think that life is worth living, I know it is

Control.

I like to think that I have a great sense of control over the many aspects in my life even though I know it's only partially true. I feel secure and strong, or even beautiful. Some think it's pitiful that I pretend but I don't care. At this moment I really couldn't give a damn because nothing can bring me down from this self-made high. Although, I wonder how long this feeling of security and control will last. I wonder if eventually I will fall from grace and be consumed by all of the problems that I have been denying. Possibly. I'm not quite sure. Some one very close to me told me to get a grip on my life and emotions. That I should not be so influenced and be more intelligent than how I have been acting. He's absolutely right but I don't want to. I'm use to this way of living, I've lived this way far to long to suddenly stop. I wouldn't know what to do, or even know what kind of tools I would need. I guess, without a doubt, I've made quite the mess.

Knowing all of this, I still feel in control.

I am....

......terribly sorry for not posting anything in a while. It has been a stressful past two weeks; full of exams, projects, pointless assignments, and loads of homework. To make it worse, it's Wednesday. The day stuck in the middle of the week. I just want this week to be over with so I can do some serious relaxing. I did a speech yesterday. Not the best day of my life because I hate speeches. I always get overly nervous and screw up. I can be very shy in front of a large group of individuals, I have always been like that.




Well, I sent out my application to Dawson college several weeks ago and is awaiting for a reply. I'm nervous. It seems that I am either stressed out of my mind or down right nervous. Not the most healthy life-style. Though, I am excited. I cannot wait for next year, living in the city has been something that i have been wanting to do in such a long time. I love the country but I feel it's time for a nice change.

Use Somebody

So, today was the first day of my March Break. I don't feel anymore relaxed than two days ago. I am still stressed out my whole article/teacher offence ordeal..I found on on thursday that the teacher I "offended" wrote a letter about myself and my journalism class; then showed it to several teachers, boasting about it. Now, I am offended. Am I not allowed to express my opinions and thoughts towards certain matters? I believe that some do think that way at my high school. I find it very unfair; they teach us to take advantage of our freedom of speech and what do that do when you actually take it, they tell you to stop complaining and not get involved. They criticize you and disapprove of any form of rebellion. I believe that High School is the one place where you learn to break away from the"herd". Although, the curriculum will not show you how to; you basically have to find your voice and start from there. It is hard, I will admit. I learned to stand up for what I believed in my senoir year. I felt so scared and timid to voice my thoughts out. I find they make schooling a dictatorship. You have to follow ALL the rules and stay quiet. Those who stand up get punished. Well, i think it can be fun to stir things up a little and have a change in the atmosphere.

Enough talk about school and its ways. Tomorrow I plan to take some pictures! I haven't photographed anything in a while now. My fingers itch to use my camera. Ah, my camera; it's a vintaged film camera. Dying on me now. I need to upgrade to a new model. It's costing me a little bundle to pay for the expanses of owning a film camera. So, let's hope for good weather and ideas to come.

Ugh...

Wow, I know I did some venting in my earlier post but now I need to really VENT. I was just checking out the Blogger site, seeing all the commands and little nick-nacks and stuff so I can get use to this site. Then I cannot seem to access my two first posts, I don't know what's wrong.. I am guessing that I have some kind of omen recking havoc on me today. Not one thing has seemed to have gone right today. Is it bad karma? I have no idea. I just want this week to be over with so I can relax and do something progressive during my march break.

One of those days..

Alright, the second I post a blog it is marked as a "potential" spam blog.. I'm not quite sure as to why it is. There is nothing that is inappropiate about the blog that I have posted. It's just a little blog about myself. It seems that today is 'one of those days' . It's been a rough day for me. I feel like venting out so I will vent, vent and vent some more. When I arrived at school today, I was told by one of my teachers that the article I had written for my school newspaper had offended a fellow teacher. I was a little surprised so I did some investigating. I found out that my tone was a little too crossly and after re-reading my article, I admit that maybe it was too hotly written. Though what I stated in my article was only opinions, I only wanted to give the student body a voice. In the end, I guess it didn't do me any good if I am just going to be chastised.

A little something something.

So, here's the deal. I am a seventeen year old who loves to write and take pictures but has crazy little writer bunnies in her head that she wishes to write down on paper in a fashionable order. I love green tea, literature, photography and vegetarian food :) I want to work in the fashion industry. It has been something that I have always wanted to do, since I was a child. High school will be finished in a couple of months then off to college- Wee!....