I am...me.

I am me. There is nothing to it. I am free. I am strong. I am beautiful in my own way. I am me.

I want to be somebody, not a nobody. I want to see the world, see the dark corners of our twisted planet, see the beauty of an after storm sunset on a beach, walk through a field of wheat with the suns' strong rays beating down on my back. There is so much to me but so little as well. I want to be perfect, feel perfect, look perfect. I would cast away my life to fulfill the needs and wants of another. I would give, wholly, myself to a loved one. My heart would open to them in ways where I would not, could not, comprehend. I want to feel a lover's touch and relish the feel of being beautiful in their eyes, and their eyes alone. I am strong but I am weak. I know where I stand in my life but have no idea where my place is in the world. I am a puzzle piece; I fit so well into the image that society has provided the world but I distort it with my dreams and wants. I am not perfect but I try. I try so fucking hard.
An old chapter of my life is coming to a close end and the start of a brand new one is about to begin. I am afraid but giddy at the same time. I am someone who will never stop until they succeed. I am someone who will no longer let others bring her down. I am strong. I will show the world where I will stand.

I am me.

The stress of prom?... I think not.

Prom. The first time the word had graced my ears was when I was eight years old. Prom - it does sound very special, not elaborate nor elegant but it drew me in. Pictures of teenage girls dressed in beautiful gowns, hairstyles to die for; they all looked like princesses from a fairytale. I was excited for the year to where I would finally be able to dress so elegantly and have a night full of dreams come true. So when my senior rolled to a close end, prom was in the horizon. People find that it is stressful; the havocs of finding that perfect dress, going mad over a hairstyle, and lastly, finding that prom date. Well, for me, it was quite relaxing and enjoyable, hah. It took my one day to find my dress. I find it wonderful. To some, it may be plain and simple; but to me it is perfect, it is me. I was fortunate enough to be asked to prom. I really am excited, it will be the last time that all my classmates will be together. I know I will cry, although, I will make sure that they will be tears of joy and not of sadness.

At last, my heart grows warm with tenderness.

I had the belief that I would never be enough for someone. I went thorough most of my life in envy of other girls being able to find a significant other, while I tried and failed in many attempts. In my tries at love, my belief of not being enough grew with contempt and disappointment. Eventually, I gave up. I enjoyed the freedom of a single life; with all of it's privileges and space. I told myself that I would probably end up alone for the most part of my life, going unnoticed by the opposite sex. I was use to the idea, life was fine maybe not great but fine. I kept my guard up, keeping any form of hurt or disappointment coming my way. Until now. I let my guard down, and with that a rush of emotions took my breath away. I forgot the thrill of emotions one would get. It is very refreshing.

I like you.

Why is it hard to say those three simple words? I mean, there are no necessary "skills" in pronouncing out that phrase; it shouldn't be that hard. So, why is it for me. I think people will say that it would be my lack of confidence when it comes to the opposite sex and my awkwardness that follows. I think it, too but isn't that teenage life. To be awkward and shy; to be in love and to fall in love? To be scared but also be overjoyed?

Is it worth it?

There are days where I wake up and I ask myself: is everything I do and feel worth it?
Sometimes I would say 'yes' and other times I wouldn't know the answer. Is it because I'm depressed? or it's just the way my mind works. I say that I have no idea but deep down, I know that it could be both. I'm not the most happiest person alive, there are days where I would gladly sulk and say I hate this life and all of its bullshit. Then, there are those days where I feel happy with myself. I feel contented with what I do, with what I have accomplished. But there are days where I am genuinely happy but something goes off in my mind that triggers that little sadness in me; and I am unbearable to be around. I was told that is how my mind works, that I will always be mildly depressed. I have learned to live with that fact but I still wake up thinking asking if everything is worth it.
I like to think that life is worth living, I know it is

Control.

I like to think that I have a great sense of control over the many aspects in my life even though I know it's only partially true. I feel secure and strong, or even beautiful. Some think it's pitiful that I pretend but I don't care. At this moment I really couldn't give a damn because nothing can bring me down from this self-made high. Although, I wonder how long this feeling of security and control will last. I wonder if eventually I will fall from grace and be consumed by all of the problems that I have been denying. Possibly. I'm not quite sure. Some one very close to me told me to get a grip on my life and emotions. That I should not be so influenced and be more intelligent than how I have been acting. He's absolutely right but I don't want to. I'm use to this way of living, I've lived this way far to long to suddenly stop. I wouldn't know what to do, or even know what kind of tools I would need. I guess, without a doubt, I've made quite the mess.

Knowing all of this, I still feel in control.

I am....

......terribly sorry for not posting anything in a while. It has been a stressful past two weeks; full of exams, projects, pointless assignments, and loads of homework. To make it worse, it's Wednesday. The day stuck in the middle of the week. I just want this week to be over with so I can do some serious relaxing. I did a speech yesterday. Not the best day of my life because I hate speeches. I always get overly nervous and screw up. I can be very shy in front of a large group of individuals, I have always been like that.




Well, I sent out my application to Dawson college several weeks ago and is awaiting for a reply. I'm nervous. It seems that I am either stressed out of my mind or down right nervous. Not the most healthy life-style. Though, I am excited. I cannot wait for next year, living in the city has been something that i have been wanting to do in such a long time. I love the country but I feel it's time for a nice change.